EVIL WEASEL

“I’m keeping it.”

“Absolutely not.”

“It’s coming home.”

“Itachi, that’s sick.”

“How is it sick?”

Kisame and Itachi were arguing over a small ball of fluff that was currently sleeping in Itachi’s arm.

“Because, Itachi,” Kisame went on, “a weasel can’t have a weasel for a pet!” The said animal woke up and growled at Kisame, as if it could sense the shark’s hostility.

“But I like it,” Itachi stated, petting the animal.

Kisame gave it a flat look when he saw how the rodent merely rubbed against his partner, enjoying the attention. “I guess weasels have to stick together…”

“So, that’s that.” Itachi turned around and began walking along the road in the direction of the base with the animal still in his hands.

“Itachi, that thing’s wild!”

“Does this look like a wild animal to you?” the weasel asked, holding the other weasel at arm’s length.

“You don’t even know what gender it is!”

Itachi raised a brow, then unceremoniously flipped the animal over. “It’s female.” Kisame gave up and allowed the three to head back to the base.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeks later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi and his weasel, who was named Weasel, were in the kitchen, with the animal on the table and the Uchiha going through the cabinets, trying to figure out what to feed his pet. Hidan walked into the room and snickered at the sight. “A weasel keeping a weasel for a pet.” He walked over to Weasel and tried to pet the rodent, only to have it hiss and snap at him. “Damn, what the hell’s with this thing? It’s acting like a little bitch!”

“Weasel is perfectly well trained,” Itachi said, not bothering to turn around.

“Huh? You mean like the bitch’ll sit and roll over and all that crap?” Hidan asked, clearly intrigued.

“Not exactly,” Itachi replied, pulling out a box of crackers.

“Show me, dammit.”

“All right. Weasel (the animal’s ears perked up) sick ‘em.” Weasel hissed and lunged at the Jashinist’s face, teeth digging into the immortal’s nose.

“Ow!!! Jashin dammit, help me. You mother-“

“Hidan, what is it now?” Pein yelled from his office.

“OWW! The fu-OW! Weasel’s biting me!”

“Itachi?!”

“The weasel!”

“Itachi, quit biting Hidan.”

“It’s not me,” Itachi called out.

“Bastard!” Hidan screamed.

“Itachi, I said stop.”

“Not that damn weasel, the weasel!” Hidan yelled. “OWW! Little bitch just-hey, where the hell are you going?!” Weasel merely hissed and crawled up his pants leg. “MOTHER FU-OWWWWW!!” Hidan doubled over as the rodent crawled out, after having bitten a very sensitive area. “Good weasel,” Itachi said, feeding his pet a cracker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~time passes in weasel hell~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kisame, Sasori, the pizza guy, Kakuzu, Kisame, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame. Are those all the weasel attacks?” Pein asked, reading off the list as Konan dabbed iodine on the bites wounds marring his cheek.

“You only said my name 86 times. Weasel’s nailed me 89,” Kisame growled, adjusting the gauze on his arm.

“Sorry about that,” Itachi muttered, petting the weasel on his lap.

“That weasel has to go,” Pein announced with finality, glaring at the Uchiha.

“Weasel’s perfectly trained-“

“TO KILL!” Hidan interjected.

“You people have just provoked her into attacking you.” As if to emphasize his point, Weasel flipped over so Itachi could pet her belly. “See?”

“That thing only likes you!” Kisame spat out. “It hates the rest of us, especially me. I can’t even get near you without getting my face gnawed off!”

“Wait, it hates Kisame? And it only likes Itachi?” Konan asked.

“Yes,” the shark growled.

“Hold on one second.” The blue haired female stood and ran out of the room. She returned a moment later with a nature calendar, acquired from who knows where. She flipped it open and ran her eyes over the current month’s page, reading carefully. “Just as I thought.” She flipped the calendar over for everyone to see. “It’s weasel mating season.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

Hidan burst into laughter, rolling all over the floor. “Oh my Jashin, Weasel’s got a crush on the weasel, and the bitch thinks sharky’s his mate…oh hell…”

“Sick ‘em.” Hidan was screaming in pain a moment later, halting the waves of oncoming laughter from the others.

“That means that when mating season’s over, she’ll turn on you,” Pein pointed out, one eye still glued on the screaming zealot.

“I guess.” Itachi sighed. “Weasel, come.” A moment later the rodent was at his feet. “I guess we have to put it back.”

“Finally,” Kisame murmured, rising to his feet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~a field~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi set his pet down on the ground, scratching behind its ear. “Go on,” he ordered, nudging the animal forward.

Weasel hesitated for only a moment before dashing away. “Farewell, Weasel,” Itachi said, watching his pet scamper off into the sunset.

“Can we go now? This is so cliché I think I’m gonna be sick,” Kisame said, half-expecting cheesy music to start playing in the background.

“Alright, I’m done,” Itachi said, turning away from the field.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~back at the base~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I can’t believe that thing is finally gone,” Kisame said in a relieved tone, flopping backwards onto the bed. Itachi stood at the foot of the mattress, staring at his partner with a strange look on his face. “What? Don’t tell me you miss your little girlfriend already,” Kisame said.

Itachi pounced on the shark. “Itachi?!”

“It’s weasel mating season, and I’m horny. Do the math,” Itachi ordered in a quiet voice before crashing his lips against Kisame’s.