ONCE UPON A TIME part 8

Despite the fairies’ tiny size, they were fast flyers and had soon carried the three heroes across the forest to the edge of La La Land. Pausing for a moment to let the humans down and catch their breath, Iruka pointed out which direction they’d need to head. “The Realm of Realtors is just over that ridge.”

“How will we know we’ve reached it?” Pein inquired as he popped his neck. While air travel was a pleasant change from hiking across miles and miles of muddy and rocky paths, it left one rather stiff.

“Believe me, you’ll know it when you see it. Also, my king advises you to watch out for the real estate agents that dwell in this accursed place. They’d sell their soul to make a deal with you.”

“…O…k?” Deidara ventured.

“Right. Then there’s but one thing left to do!” Extracting his wand for a third time that day, Iruka muttered an enchantment under his breath and quickly returned the humans to their normal size.

Tragically for the trio, the fairies had chosen to land on a branch that, while having no trouble holding the tiny folk, definitely did not have the strength to support three grown humans. With a sudden crack and cries from all three, Deidara, Pein, and Tobi plummeted to the ground.

“Sorry about that!” Iruka called from above them. Already the other fairies were hovering in midair, prepared to take off when given the word. “Best of luck to ye!” And with that, the fairies were gone.

After taking a moment to assess the damage and make sure that everyone was in one piece, Deidara rose from his place on the ground and surveyed the area. They were definitely near the edge of a forest, as made apparent by the thinning tree line and plains just beneath a mountainous area. Aside from a far-off babbling brook and the chirping of birds in the late afternoon, there was not a soul to be seen or a sound to be heard at all. “It’s getting late, un,” Deidara noted with a glance upwards at the sky. “We probably couldn’t make it across the ridge before nightfall.”

“Then let’s make camp and get going tomorrow,” Pein suggested. The warrior was already unpacking his things for the night, and didn’t appear all that eager to continue onwards today.

“All right, un,” Deidara agreed. “Tobi, find some firewood. I’ll see about getting some fish for us to eat.”

As they made camp, the three men were unaware that their every action was being watched from above by the mysterious evil they’d come to conquer. “A bright and early start for them, eh?” A wicked cackle echoed through the chamber then. “Well, I suppose I could help them rise and shine.” Cackling again, the cruel sorcerer sauntered across the room to stop in front of the stone wall. Raising a hand, he pressed the digit against the stone and murmured an enchantment under his breath.

For a moment, there was nothing. And then, the rock seemed to shrink beneath his hand, until it had been reduced to the size of a pebble. The other stones around it seemed to follow suit, and soon there was a crudely made window in the otherwise sealed off tower. The sorcerer wasted no time in sticking his head out the window and peering around, clearly searching for something. “Hmm…ah, there we go.”

Upon sighting his target, the warlock began gathering a potent amount of energy in the palm of his hand. The pulsating orb of blue light was then promptly hurled out the window and across the sky, before burying itself in the side of a mountain.

And as a loud growl echoed across the valley and the earth quaked beneath his feet, the sorcerer couldn’t help but smile. Those fools were about to get the wakeup call of a lifetime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tobi was awoken by two things; the first was a rather annoying robin that insisted on chirping just above him. The second was the sound of something rustling in the nearby bushes.

The mage sat up and yawned, blearily looking around in the early morning light. “Hello?”

“A CUSTOMER!”

“ACK!” Tobi shouted as he was tackled by a flying blur.

The mage’s cry of shock quickly roused Deidara and Pein from their slumber. In only seconds, the males were armed and surveying the area for danger. “Tobi, why did…you…un?”

Tobi’s chest was currently being straddled by a strange-looking gremlin, dressed from head to foot in green spandex and sporting a bowl cut hairstyle, beneath which sat the most disturbing pair of eyebrows Tobi had ever seen.

The gremlin chuckled and grinned down at the mage, nearly blinding poor Tobi with his sparkly teeth. “Welcome, newcomers, to the Realm of Realtors! My name is Gai, and my assistant-“ here the gremlin turned to look behind him, only to quickly realize that his alleged assistant was nowhere to be found.

Gai seemed to shrink in on himself, and climbed off Tobi while offering the male a nervous smile. “If you would excuse me for a moment, good sir.” In an instant the gremlin had fled back into the brush.

Deidara opened his mouth and appeared ready to speak to the other two, when they heard a loud tussle coming from the bushes. Gai reemerged soon after that, carrying a mini-him in tow. “As I was saying, this is my assistant, Lee.”

“It is an honor to meet such noble-looking and youthful customers!” the younger gremlin assured the trio.

“Can we help you with something?” Pein inquired. He’d been woken up far too early for his liking, and discovering that the only attack the group was under came in the form of spandex bodysuits did little to improve his mood.

“Help us? Sir, we are the ones who wish to help you!” Gai assured the warrior with another blinding smile.

“How did I know he was going to say that, un?” Deidara murmured to Tobi.

“My good fellow,” Gai went on, his attention now devoted almost entirely to Pein,    “you seem like the kind of guy who’d like to settle down and spend the rest of his youthful life in a nice home with the wife and kids.”

“Are you blind?!”

“Ahh, I get it! You’re not quite ready to leave behind La La Land for some strange, far off place like the Realm of Realtors, right?”

“Lucky for you sir,” Lee interjected, “Gai sensei and I offer plenty of locations that run along the border between those two great nations!”

“Listen, you bright green eyesores, I’m not here to buy anything-“

“Why of course not!” Lee agreed all-too-readily. “Buying went out with hand strung bows years ago!” (Deidara cast his own bow a slight glance before glaring at the salesman). “That’s why we also offer rent and leasing programs, with prices so low that even the most novice of mages (like your friend there) can afford them!”

At that point all three travelers were ready to violently maim the gremlins. Their plot to cause the men bodily harm, however, came to an abrupt end when the earth began to shake beneath their feet. “Uh-oh,” Lee muttered softly.

“What do you mean, ‘uh-oh’?” Pein demanded.

“Well chaps, it’s been great doing business, but Lee and I have to go now!” Gai hurriedly informed the men. “Pleasure meeting you, and if you live long enough, have your people call my people. Stay youthful!” And with that the gremlin had grabbed his assistant by the arm and disappeared into the woods.

The gremlin had run off not a moment too soon. Nearly as soon as he was gone, a giant serpent as pale as marble and big as a mountain slithered up over the ridge, its pale golden eyes glaring harshly down at the three men. “Sssso, you are the onessss who’ve interrupted the ssssleep of the great Orochimaru,” he hissed out.

“Hey now, the only ones waking people up around here are those two monstrosities trying to sell real estate,” Pein curtly informed the snake. “Why don’t you go chasing after them?”

Despite being given a viable answer, the snake was unmoved. “Don’t be cute with me, little human,” he warned. “My masssster woke me up becausssse you three are caussssing problemssss for him. And for that, you will pay!” Letting out a great roar, the beast lunged at the humans.

Deidara and Pein were quick to duck and evade; Tobi was just lucky the snake hadn’t been aiming at him. Rapidly recovering, Deidara knocked an arrow and fired it at Orochimaru. There was a slight clink, and the weapon bounced off the snake’s side futilely.

Pein, meanwhile, had circled around to the other side of the beast and slammed his hammer into Orochimaru’s side, only to be met with similar results.

The great serpent reared back and let out a cruel, mocking laugh. “Your pathetic weaponssss are usssselessss againsssst me,” he spat out. “Now hold sssstill, and I’ll make thissss quick!” He snapped at Pein again, missing the blond’s should by mere inches.

Deidara had fallen back and knocked another arrow, this time aiming carefully at his target. “Hold it…hold it…!” Wordlessly the ranger let his arrow fly through the air to find its home in the center of Orochimaru’s right eye.

The snake let out a howl of pain and thrashed about in agony, toppling several trees as well as smashing in the mountainside from the sheer force of his movements. The blond was unfazed, though, and quickly moved through the forest and into position to blind the other pupil as well. Another arrow, and the deed was done.

By now, the snake was beyond enraged. “Don’t think you’ve won, human,” Orochimaru hissed out. “I can sssstill ssssmell you, and when I catch you, I’ll make your demisssse long and painful!”

Pein had mad his way back to Tobi by now. “Do something!” he ordered.

“Like what?!” the mage snapped back.

“I don’t know! But Deidara needs help, and I can’t do anything, so it’s up to you.”

“Um…”

“Think of something already!”

The young mage racked his brain for an answer as Deidara and Orochimaru continued their epic battle not but twenty feet away. “I…erm…oh to heck with it!” Tobi shut his eyes tightly and pointed both hands at the snake, praying this would work. “BANG!”

Nothing.

The sound had caught Orochimaru’s attention, though, and he paused in his fight long enough to laugh at poor Tobi. “HA! You fool, did you really-“

POP

The humans looked on in wonder as the snake was consumed by a cloud of smoke, quickly disappearing from their sight. When the white cloud finally cleared away, Orochimaru had been shrunk down to only two feet in length, and looked about as dangerous as a garter snake.

All three men gaped in shock at the miniaturized serpent, who was looking blindly around at them, tongue flicking out now and again to taste the air. “Tobi, what was that, un?”

“Tobi doesn’t know,” the mage admitted, still somewhat dazed. “Tobi just…well, did that.”

“He doesn’t look so tough now,” Pein remarked before nudging Orochimaru with his foot.

It was then that the snake lunged and bit the warrior’s toe.

While Pein was howling in pain, Deidara plucked the snake up by its tale and swung the reptile around and around over his head a few times, before releasing it to fly off into the woods. “That takes care of that, un.”

“Well done, newcomers!” Lee exclaimed as he poked his head out from a nearby shrubbery.

“How long have you been there?!” Pein demanded.

“Long enough to realize that you people have really depreciated this place’s market value!” Gai declared as he popped out beside Lee. “Really, couldn’t you have done a bit less damage?”

“Oh, sorry un,” Deidara sarcastically apologized with a roll of his eyes. “We were just trying to keep from BEING KILLED!”

“That’s what they all say,” Gai remarked with a sad shake of his head.

“Could you just tell us how to find Pointy Peak?” Pein requested. “We’re in a bit of a hurry.”

The gremlins let out twin gasps of horrified shock and quickly shook their heads. “That place is under the rule of the evil one!” Lee declared. “You couldn’t give away the surrounding area!”

“What are you fools trying to do, going there?!”

“We intend to defeat that man, un.”

At this point, you could have knocked over the spandex wearers with a feather. “But no one has ever survived a venture to Pointy Peak, never mind the return trip!” Lee informed them.

“Indeed. It really cuts down on the tourism around here,” Gai added.

“So you won’t take us there?” Tobi inquired in a forlorn voice.

“Nope!” Gai exclaimed.

“Not a chance!” Lee threw in.

“Really? That’s too bad, un,” Deidara stated calmly. “I mean, think about it. If we defeated that guy, you’d be the first to know, and you could snatch his property right up before anyone else. Just think of all those rich, land-hungry bachelors who’d just love to live on a mountain once owned by a powerful warlock…” he left the sentence dangling, and prayed the gremlins would take the bait.

It worked. Gai grabbed onto Lee’s shoulder, and after asking, “Would you excuse us for a moment?” the two vanished into the bushes.

There were a few tense minutes of hushed whispers and arguments before the gremlins reemerged from the flora. “We’ll take you there!” Gai informed them. “With the understand that, in the event of the evil one’s demise, we’ll immediately seize all rights and claims to any and all of his properties, assets, and accounts.”

“Done, un,” Deidara agreed immediately thereafter. The two shook on it, and soon the gremlins were leading the humans into the Realm of Realtors.

The journey only took them two more days, and long before they reached the foot of the mountain, the trio knew they’d spotted their goal.

Pointy Peak rose high above the other mountains, its stone made of some sort of charcoal colored material that seemed to stain everything around it a sickly black color. Dark clouds hovered ominously above the peak, hiding the summit from view. Sitting just above the tree line (or where the tree line would have been if Pointy Peak had possessed any flora) was a castle, grey as ash with many spires jutting upwards towards the sky. From what the group could see, the castle possessed neither doors nor windows, either on its walls or towers. “How do we get in?” Tobi wondered aloud.

“Don’t worry about that,” an ominous voice purred. “I’ll come there to you!”

“Well, that’s our cue to go,” Gai informed the three men. “Stay youthful!” For a second time that day, the duo fled for their lives and soon vanished from sight.

The group had more pressing things to worry about than a couple of gremlins with fashion issues; such as the thick, writhing clouds of red and black forming before them.

The nearly translucent smoke crept towards them, slinking its way across the ground like some sort of beast. When it finally came to a stop not but a few meters from them, the cloud seemed to solidify into the form of a man.

“Deidara, is that the person?” Tobi asked.

The blond waited for the smoke to settle a bit, before gritting his teeth and nodding. “Yes. He’s the one, un. I’d never forget those eyes.”

Cold blue pupils soon appeared out of the smoke, mocking the group without words. Their enemy was clothed in a long black robe, leaving little else exposed, save for three whisker marks on each of his cheeks and the blonde spiky hair atop his head.

With a laugh, the warlock raised his hands and summoned lightning bolts to set the nearby woods on fire. Now, the group’s only escape route had been cut off.

“Prepare to meet your doom, retches! For you are now at the mercy of the all-powerful Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it!”